Lies and dishonesty

We were getting ready to do this glamorous photo-shoot for Vogue the other day and the model next to me just couldn't stop fidgeting and I could even see that she was starting to sweat! When the photographer asked her to take her hand out of her coat she simply refused and said she was really itchy and needed to keep scratching herself.

As I was starting to get bored with this photo-shoot I thought I would speed things up a little and give her a little scratch with my claws. She then started to scream and as she started flapping her arms around something fell out of her coat onto the floor. I picked it up and realised it was an invitation to this year's Oscar Party sent to me by Brad Pitt!
(Just in case you don't know who Brad Pitt is here's one of the photos I've taken of him when he came around to my house for a game of chess and some pie few days ago):

Who did she think she is? Did she really think that Brad would ever want to take her to Oscar party instead of me? I mean, she's nowhere near as good looking and glamorous as me, what was she thinking? Was she thinking at all!?

Humans will never cease to amaze me with their arrogance.

I deserve better than this

I've been in such a bad mood recently I couldn't even be bothered to pose for the last photo-shoot and all because I'm still fuming about the lack of generosity in response to my emotional appeal. 

The cash gifts that were sent to me hardly amounted to half a million dollars, and  most of the home-baked cream pies that some of my fans sent me were made with this disgusting thing called "low-fat cream" that just wasn't good enough for someone with such a sophisticated taste like I have, so they all ended up on the dinner plate of my owner women I live with who didn't seem to care and eat them all anyway, but then again she's a human so you can't expect anything better, can you? And here's a question for the joker who sent me this self-help book called "How to get in touch with your inner most feelings and learn to love yourself again" - what are you trying to suggest?

I'm too angry and disappointed to write any more on this topic, I'm off to Paris now to do a photo-shoot for Vogue and there better be some decent presents waiting for me when I return.Otherwise I won't tell you any gossip from the party at Kate Moss' house I went to last night. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Why you should never talk about your feelings

The other day my agent suggested that I might be coming across to my readers as too insensitive and selfish.

"You should tell more stories about yourself where you clearly demonstrate that you are sensitive and full of worries, insecurities and fears just like those humans." he said. So I thought I would give it a go as talking about feelings on the internet could potentially make people send me more gifts to make me feel better.

My good friend (famous super-model whose name I would rather keep private for her sake) invited me to come over to her house that same evening to just chill with her, eat some decent food (cream cakes and pies) and talk about our fears and insecurities.

Well, I listened to her go on and on about love or whatever and kept waiting for her to start serving some food, I was starving! But after 5 minutes of listening to her whining about finding true love or something  I was  bored and exhausted and I fell asleep.

I never got any cream cakes. I woke up the next morning feeling hungry and disappointed. I felt like crying. I felt like my life wasn't turning out the way I imagined it would. I felt alone and frightened.

Will you send me some cream cakes to make me feel better? You can see I feel all emotional, can't you?

Well, can't you? Then what are you waiting for? Go and get busy baking cream cakes and send them to me  via first class post. Hurry.

She just couldn't leave me alone

I was chatting to some of my modelling friends few nights ago at a party and one of the models told me who was the joker who sent me a huge box of fresh vegetables with a note "Eat these, they're good for you" as a Christmas present.

When I found out it was her I was absolutely outraged! After everything I've done for her and all the helpful advice I've shared to help her become more glamorous and successful how could she do this to me? To make the insult even worse she told all my modelling friends that she sent me those vegetables to help me lose some weight. As if i need to do that, I am perfect just as I am, what's wrong with this woman?

Anyway, few days ago I've had to do yet another Vogue photo-shoot and she was just hanging around desperate to spend a bit of time with me and ask me for more hints and tips on how to get a gig with Vogue. Deciding not to be angry with her any more and remain helpful like I've always been (I just can't help it) I told her to stop shaving her legs so that she can try to look as hairy as me.

I thought she would have been grateful for this helpful and generous advice but apparently she's now really angry with me because the last photo-shoot she was booked for was cancelled because the photographer was not able to stop staring at her legs for long enough to take a single photo.

Why is she angry with me? What have I done? Actually, I don't care, I'm not going to waste my time on this, I have some snoozing to do.

Never again

I know I haven't been around here much but I've had to kind of lay low for a bit after a complete fiasco with my last fashion photo-shoot that you can see in this photo.

After receiving hardly any Christmas gifts after my appeal and even finding that some joker sent me a huge box of fresh vegetables with a note "Eat these, they're good for you!" I was left disgusted and disappointed.

But then, out of the blue, my agent called me and said that this ridiculously rich lady who owns 3 cats would give me a million dollars if I agreed to do a Vogue cover shot with her cats.

I didn't really want to work with a bunch of amateurs again but I thought I could do with a bit of spare cash, so why not?

Well, the photo-shoot turned into a complete disaster. Two of the cats kept arguing about who gets the best spot on the sofa and the stupid looking orange cat you can see next to me  on the left foolishly colored her fur orange specially for the photo-shoot and felt really stupid when she realized that orange was clashing with the pink dress the model was wearing. 

The model in the pink dress ended up so confused by the whole situation that she forgot to put any shoes on and ended up looking ridiculous as well.

Thankfully I still ended up looking great in this photo so Vogue decided to Photoshop all the other cats and the model from the photo and a photo of just me looking great ended up on the Vogue cover.

The rich lady is still chasing me to get her million dollars back. After what I've had to put up with during this photo-shoot she can absolutely forget it.

Would anyone else be interested in doing a photo-shoot with me? If you have a million dollars to spare do not hesitate to contact my agent. Yeah, you're welcome.

So unfair

I've just got back from another fashion photo-shoot and I'm still in shock. This model I was working with asked me if someone called Santa brought me any brilliant presents for Christmas and I was really confused because I never heard of this Santa before.

She then explained that this Santa person brings presents to everyone who behaves really well all year round so I was even more confused because I am an example of good behaviour! How come he never came to visit me then!? Just read all of my posts here and you'll find nothing but kindness, generosity, hard work and self-sacrifice demonstrated by me. If I don't deserve free presents then I really don't know who this Santa thinks he is?

To show your support for me against this great injustice feel free to send me as many presents as you like: cream, pies, fresh fish (I prefer the more expensive kind, thanks), comfy cushions and blankets to snooze on and a free holiday in Caribbean will all be generously accepted by me.

Please don't send me any cheap stuff or things like books, I really don't have time for that kind of nonsense.

Thanks.

Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas. Or whatever.

It was all her fault

I don't know why I've been paired up with yet another nearly-naked model for the last photo-shot after my traumatic experience from last week, but it seems that they wanted to test my limits again this week.

This model, who was only wearing this silly red underwear, was meant to cuddle me and make me look even cuter than I already am (hard to believe that's possible I guess, but whatever). So we started to pose for our photographer and this model kept holding me tighter and tighter and I just didn't like it so I kept wriggling and fidgeting so she would ease up her tight grip on me.

"But I'm freezing cold, please let me hold you closer to me." she whispered in my ear while shivering with cold.

I wouldn't have any of it of course and I kept fidgeting for the rest of the photo-shoot until they made her put a nice thick cardigan and some wooly socks on and we finally managed to get the photos done that were published in all the major fashion magazines.

She was really upset with me for making her look like an old granny and told me she would never work with me again. As if I care.