Why you should never talk about your feelings

The other day my agent suggested that I might be coming across to my readers as too insensitive and selfish.

"You should tell more stories about yourself where you clearly demonstrate that you are sensitive and full of worries, insecurities and fears just like those humans." he said. So I thought I would give it a go as talking about feelings on the internet could potentially make people send me more gifts to make me feel better.

My good friend (famous super-model whose name I would rather keep private for her sake) invited me to come over to her house that same evening to just chill with her, eat some decent food (cream cakes and pies) and talk about our fears and insecurities.

Well, I listened to her go on and on about love or whatever and kept waiting for her to start serving some food, I was starving! But after 5 minutes of listening to her whining about finding true love or something  I was  bored and exhausted and I fell asleep.

I never got any cream cakes. I woke up the next morning feeling hungry and disappointed. I felt like crying. I felt like my life wasn't turning out the way I imagined it would. I felt alone and frightened.

Will you send me some cream cakes to make me feel better? You can see I feel all emotional, can't you?

Well, can't you? Then what are you waiting for? Go and get busy baking cream cakes and send them to me  via first class post. Hurry.

She just couldn't leave me alone

I was chatting to some of my modelling friends few nights ago at a party and one of the models told me who was the joker who sent me a huge box of fresh vegetables with a note "Eat these, they're good for you" as a Christmas present.

When I found out it was her I was absolutely outraged! After everything I've done for her and all the helpful advice I've shared to help her become more glamorous and successful how could she do this to me? To make the insult even worse she told all my modelling friends that she sent me those vegetables to help me lose some weight. As if i need to do that, I am perfect just as I am, what's wrong with this woman?

Anyway, few days ago I've had to do yet another Vogue photo-shoot and she was just hanging around desperate to spend a bit of time with me and ask me for more hints and tips on how to get a gig with Vogue. Deciding not to be angry with her any more and remain helpful like I've always been (I just can't help it) I told her to stop shaving her legs so that she can try to look as hairy as me.

I thought she would have been grateful for this helpful and generous advice but apparently she's now really angry with me because the last photo-shoot she was booked for was cancelled because the photographer was not able to stop staring at her legs for long enough to take a single photo.

Why is she angry with me? What have I done? Actually, I don't care, I'm not going to waste my time on this, I have some snoozing to do.

Never again

I know I haven't been around here much but I've had to kind of lay low for a bit after a complete fiasco with my last fashion photo-shoot that you can see in this photo.

After receiving hardly any Christmas gifts after my appeal and even finding that some joker sent me a huge box of fresh vegetables with a note "Eat these, they're good for you!" I was left disgusted and disappointed.

But then, out of the blue, my agent called me and said that this ridiculously rich lady who owns 3 cats would give me a million dollars if I agreed to do a Vogue cover shot with her cats.

I didn't really want to work with a bunch of amateurs again but I thought I could do with a bit of spare cash, so why not?

Well, the photo-shoot turned into a complete disaster. Two of the cats kept arguing about who gets the best spot on the sofa and the stupid looking orange cat you can see next to me  on the left foolishly colored her fur orange specially for the photo-shoot and felt really stupid when she realized that orange was clashing with the pink dress the model was wearing. 

The model in the pink dress ended up so confused by the whole situation that she forgot to put any shoes on and ended up looking ridiculous as well.

Thankfully I still ended up looking great in this photo so Vogue decided to Photoshop all the other cats and the model from the photo and a photo of just me looking great ended up on the Vogue cover.

The rich lady is still chasing me to get her million dollars back. After what I've had to put up with during this photo-shoot she can absolutely forget it.

Would anyone else be interested in doing a photo-shoot with me? If you have a million dollars to spare do not hesitate to contact my agent. Yeah, you're welcome.