Lies and dishonesty

We were getting ready to do this glamorous photo-shoot for Vogue the other day and the model next to me just couldn't stop fidgeting and I could even see that she was starting to sweat! When the photographer asked her to take her hand out of her coat she simply refused and said she was really itchy and needed to keep scratching herself.

As I was starting to get bored with this photo-shoot I thought I would speed things up a little and give her a little scratch with my claws. She then started to scream and as she started flapping her arms around something fell out of her coat onto the floor. I picked it up and realised it was an invitation to this year's Oscar Party sent to me by Brad Pitt!
(Just in case you don't know who Brad Pitt is here's one of the photos I've taken of him when he came around to my house for a game of chess and some pie few days ago):

Who did she think she is? Did she really think that Brad would ever want to take her to Oscar party instead of me? I mean, she's nowhere near as good looking and glamorous as me, what was she thinking? Was she thinking at all!?

Humans will never cease to amaze me with their arrogance.

I deserve better than this

I've been in such a bad mood recently I couldn't even be bothered to pose for the last photo-shoot and all because I'm still fuming about the lack of generosity in response to my emotional appeal. 

The cash gifts that were sent to me hardly amounted to half a million dollars, and  most of the home-baked cream pies that some of my fans sent me were made with this disgusting thing called "low-fat cream" that just wasn't good enough for someone with such a sophisticated taste like I have, so they all ended up on the dinner plate of my owner women I live with who didn't seem to care and eat them all anyway, but then again she's a human so you can't expect anything better, can you? And here's a question for the joker who sent me this self-help book called "How to get in touch with your inner most feelings and learn to love yourself again" - what are you trying to suggest?

I'm too angry and disappointed to write any more on this topic, I'm off to Paris now to do a photo-shoot for Vogue and there better be some decent presents waiting for me when I return.Otherwise I won't tell you any gossip from the party at Kate Moss' house I went to last night. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Never again

I know I haven't been around here much but I've had to kind of lay low for a bit after a complete fiasco with my last fashion photo-shoot that you can see in this photo.

After receiving hardly any Christmas gifts after my appeal and even finding that some joker sent me a huge box of fresh vegetables with a note "Eat these, they're good for you!" I was left disgusted and disappointed.

But then, out of the blue, my agent called me and said that this ridiculously rich lady who owns 3 cats would give me a million dollars if I agreed to do a Vogue cover shot with her cats.

I didn't really want to work with a bunch of amateurs again but I thought I could do with a bit of spare cash, so why not?

Well, the photo-shoot turned into a complete disaster. Two of the cats kept arguing about who gets the best spot on the sofa and the stupid looking orange cat you can see next to me  on the left foolishly colored her fur orange specially for the photo-shoot and felt really stupid when she realized that orange was clashing with the pink dress the model was wearing. 

The model in the pink dress ended up so confused by the whole situation that she forgot to put any shoes on and ended up looking ridiculous as well.

Thankfully I still ended up looking great in this photo so Vogue decided to Photoshop all the other cats and the model from the photo and a photo of just me looking great ended up on the Vogue cover.

The rich lady is still chasing me to get her million dollars back. After what I've had to put up with during this photo-shoot she can absolutely forget it.

Would anyone else be interested in doing a photo-shoot with me? If you have a million dollars to spare do not hesitate to contact my agent. Yeah, you're welcome.

It was all her fault

I don't know why I've been paired up with yet another nearly-naked model for the last photo-shot after my traumatic experience from last week, but it seems that they wanted to test my limits again this week.

This model, who was only wearing this silly red underwear, was meant to cuddle me and make me look even cuter than I already am (hard to believe that's possible I guess, but whatever). So we started to pose for our photographer and this model kept holding me tighter and tighter and I just didn't like it so I kept wriggling and fidgeting so she would ease up her tight grip on me.

"But I'm freezing cold, please let me hold you closer to me." she whispered in my ear while shivering with cold.

I wouldn't have any of it of course and I kept fidgeting for the rest of the photo-shoot until they made her put a nice thick cardigan and some wooly socks on and we finally managed to get the photos done that were published in all the major fashion magazines.

She was really upset with me for making her look like an old granny and told me she would never work with me again. As if I care. 

Jealousy

I am so angry I can barely speak but this needs to go on the track record for future generations of cat super-models so that they can learn from my experience.

See the photo above? See me in it? Or see just the part of me with the rest of my body partially obscured by this model?

Well she did that on purpose! She was pretending to be trying to get herself to look sexy and attractive by flicking her hair, but really all she was trying to do is block me out of this photo. And all because she was jealous of me and the fact that I was far better looking than her and a lot more famous than she'll ever be.

In the next photo you can't even see me at all!

That's because after the first photo was taken I was so angry with her that I scratched her on the face and they decided to ban me from taking part in the photo-shoot altogether. I don't feel proud of this act, but I was just so angry with her and that photographer wasn't seeing my side of the story at all. I think that might have something to do with the way the model was posing, I think he was finding it attractive or something.

In the end they've decided not to publish these photos in Vogue at all, apparently they decided that the photos without me in it are just not worth publishing.

Serves her right, she'll know better next time not to mess with me.

Why you should never work with amateurs

So this might make me sound all selfish and full of myself but somebody needs to speak up about this nightmare of working with those who are just not qualified to do the job and haven't got a clue about being professional.

See this dog that the model is holding? Well, that was meant to be me in that place but the photographer kept insisting that the dog should be the center of attention, not me. I later heard that the dog has some useful contacts (I think his second cousin Cecil was a stunt dog on one of the Hollywood movies or something, can't remember which one now) so he got him this gig as a favor.

As you can see from this photo he was getting all big headed and kept calling me a loser.

Well that was a big mistake. The dog could not wait until the photo shoot was over and before you know it he was doing something unmentionable next to this lamp post.

After the incident the model refused to hold the dog again or stand next to the puddle that the dog had made, and who can blame her?

Once the dog realized that none of his photos would end up in the magazine he kept barking questions about who turn the water tap on and kept the water running during this photo shoot. But I had no idea what that's got to do with any of this so I refused to answer any questions. What a loser.

Preparing for a fashion photo-shoot

Getting ready for a fashion photo-shoot can sometimes be a really stressful time with all those last minute tweaks and changes to make up and outfits they want us to model. But there are times when I just refuse to be rushed. It's important to remember to just step back from it all every now and then and just enjoy small pleasures in life.