So unfair

I've just got back from another fashion photo-shoot and I'm still in shock. This model I was working with asked me if someone called Santa brought me any brilliant presents for Christmas and I was really confused because I never heard of this Santa before.

She then explained that this Santa person brings presents to everyone who behaves really well all year round so I was even more confused because I am an example of good behaviour! How come he never came to visit me then!? Just read all of my posts here and you'll find nothing but kindness, generosity, hard work and self-sacrifice demonstrated by me. If I don't deserve free presents then I really don't know who this Santa thinks he is?

To show your support for me against this great injustice feel free to send me as many presents as you like: cream, pies, fresh fish (I prefer the more expensive kind, thanks), comfy cushions and blankets to snooze on and a free holiday in Caribbean will all be generously accepted by me.

Please don't send me any cheap stuff or things like books, I really don't have time for that kind of nonsense.

Thanks.

Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas. Or whatever.

It was all her fault

I don't know why I've been paired up with yet another nearly-naked model for the last photo-shot after my traumatic experience from last week, but it seems that they wanted to test my limits again this week.

This model, who was only wearing this silly red underwear, was meant to cuddle me and make me look even cuter than I already am (hard to believe that's possible I guess, but whatever). So we started to pose for our photographer and this model kept holding me tighter and tighter and I just didn't like it so I kept wriggling and fidgeting so she would ease up her tight grip on me.

"But I'm freezing cold, please let me hold you closer to me." she whispered in my ear while shivering with cold.

I wouldn't have any of it of course and I kept fidgeting for the rest of the photo-shoot until they made her put a nice thick cardigan and some wooly socks on and we finally managed to get the photos done that were published in all the major fashion magazines.

She was really upset with me for making her look like an old granny and told me she would never work with me again. As if I care. 

Why you should never eat too much pie

Well, after the last week boring photo-shot my life got a lot more dramatic. I was asked to be the main model for this photo-shoot advertising a perfume and the photographer asked me to pose in a cute way on this piece of yellow silk next to a topless model.

It was time for this model to take her top off and pose in the background but she kept hesitating for ages until I was starting to get really bored and asked her what's her problem, why is she not taking her top off and posing for the shoot.

"I've eaten too much pumpkin pie this Thanksgiving and my tummy is looking huge!" she whispered to me nervously, "I can't go topless looking so fat right next to you looking so gorgeously slim." 

I showed no sympathy to her, after all I didn't get any pie this week so why should I care?

She then grabbed the piece of yellow silk I was posing on and quickly covered herself. I was desperately trying to hold onto it but she just wouldn't let go!

The photograph you can see here ended up in all the major fashion magazines, it was a huge success!

I've also heard rumors that I might be offered a role in the next James Bond film after I showed the world that I can put up such a good fight. Watch this space.

Feeling fed up

This week there's been no exciting photo opportunities for me and all I got was this photo-shoot for "Homes and Gardens" magazine where I had to peep from under the covers and look cute, but I just couldn't be bothered. We were asked to do some photos to promote a new line of bed sheets and to be honest it took a real effort not to just fall asleep from boredom of it all.


I was asked to participate in this photo-shoot after the magazine decided that using my friend Berty for this campaign just wasn't working because he's apparently put on too much weight recently. Here's one of the photos of him they've decided not to use, I guess he does look a lot less glamorous than me:

I don't think he looks fat in this photo at all, I think he just looks bored and desperate to go to a glamorous fashion party to drink champagne and eat cream.

I do miss all the glitter, sexy make up and high heel shoes, cocktail parties to go to after the photo-shoot, the glamor of it all already.

Why Jamie loves me

I often get invited by celebrities to join them on their TV shows to add a bit of glamor and sophistication to their program and to boost their TV ratings or increase their book sales or whatever. Most of the time I turn these celebrities down because to be frank I don't have time to mix with people less famous than me, my life on the catwalk and on fashion shoots is so busy I barely get to snooze for more than 20 hours a day anyway, so I really can't afford to waste any time.

But when Jamie sent me an email the other day asking begging me to be a special guest on his cooking program I could not resist. He wrote that he's lost his inspiration and couldn't think of any amazing recipes to demonstrate on his cooking show so he needed me there to give him inspiration, like I always do.
I gave him one of my old secret recipes - pizza with double cream.

He was really worried about cooking this pizza in front of millions of viewers who were watching his programs that night because he just couldn't see how can a pizza which contains only a pizza base and 4 liters of double cream possibly work.

But of course it worked and when he tasted it for the first time he was speechless, he was so overwhelmed with the amazing taste of my recipe I could see tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes.

After the program was over Jamie and I were just chilling in his dressing room and he told me he'll be forever grateful that I took some time from my busy schedule to come and help him when he needed me most.

For those of you who can't wait for Jamie's new recipe book which will feature this amazing double cream pizza recipe I've decided to generously share it here with you:

Ingrediants:
1 pizza base
4 liters of double cream.

Cooking instructions:
1. Bake pizza base in the oven for about 10 minutes.
2. Take it out of the oven and wait for it to cool down.
3. Pour cream all over it.
4. Eat it.

For those of you who are short of time due to busy life like me, just ignore the pizza base altogether and eat the cream.

Enjoy.

Jealousy

I am so angry I can barely speak but this needs to go on the track record for future generations of cat super-models so that they can learn from my experience.

See the photo above? See me in it? Or see just the part of me with the rest of my body partially obscured by this model?

Well she did that on purpose! She was pretending to be trying to get herself to look sexy and attractive by flicking her hair, but really all she was trying to do is block me out of this photo. And all because she was jealous of me and the fact that I was far better looking than her and a lot more famous than she'll ever be.

In the next photo you can't even see me at all!

That's because after the first photo was taken I was so angry with her that I scratched her on the face and they decided to ban me from taking part in the photo-shoot altogether. I don't feel proud of this act, but I was just so angry with her and that photographer wasn't seeing my side of the story at all. I think that might have something to do with the way the model was posing, I think he was finding it attractive or something.

In the end they've decided not to publish these photos in Vogue at all, apparently they decided that the photos without me in it are just not worth publishing.

Serves her right, she'll know better next time not to mess with me.

Can't talk now, still recovering

Too tired to write. Need to nap. Need to eat a lot to replace all the calories I've lost after dancing all night. Need to change my mobile phone number after giving it to someone I don't want to go out on a date with. Need to get to the hairdresser to get some serious grooming for my fur after all the make up I was wearing for the party has made it look dull and without my usual healthy looking shine. Need to stop partying so hard and start having quiet nights in, reading books or knitting or something.

Anyone know a good cure for hangovers?

Things you do for your best friends

I'm a bit embarrassed to talk about this but I guess you'll get to find out about it in the news and fashion forums about this soon enough anyway so I might as well give my version of the events.

Kate (Moss that is) and I were doing this photo-shoot and she got to wear this pretty dress you can see in the photo.

"I really want to keep this dress but they won't let me, it's so unfair." she whispered to me while I was trying to pose for the photo.

As Kate is one of my best friends I really wanted to do something for her and decided to scratch it a bit thinking that if it's ruined they won't be bothered about keeping it and might let her have it.

Unfortunately the photographer saw me do it and immediately accused me of ruining the shot and the dress. I kept pretending that it wasn't me and that I knew nothing about this but it was too late, he caught it all on camera.

Kate got to keep the dress but I was punished for this whole thing by being photoshop-ed out of the final editorial that was published in all the major fashion magazines and this photo is the only one left.

Kate told me not to worry, she's taking me to Paris next week for an amazing editorial photoshoot and an all weekend party!

Result.

Sometimes it can be tough even for me

It's been a tough week for me. I've had to do this photo-shoot for lingerie company and the model I was working with made me feel so insecure about my looks that I just couldn't face revealing more than my head in the photo.

I had to hide most of my body behind that sofa arm even though the photographer kept asking me to perch gracefully on the  arm of the sofa and look mysterious.

Well, peeping behind the sofa arm was as mysterious as I could get that day. All I could think about was getting over and done with this shoot and heading home to have a nap think about my future as a model. 

Do you think I should keep modelling?

She should never have asked

I get asked by so many models what makes me so special that I get picked for Vogue cover over and over again. "What is your secret!?" they'll ask frustratedly and fail to remember that just being me is the secret.

The other night, at this posh party, one of the models kept asking me to give her advice (based on my extensive experience) how she too could get at least one photo-shoot for Vogue.

I was desperate for my evening snooze and she was really in my face so I got really annoyed with her and just wanted to get rid of her.

Look, I was tired and I just wanted to have a well-deserved nap, ok?

After my nap I was on my way to the bar to get a refreshing glass of champagne and I couldn't believe what I saw:

I wish humans would stop aspiring to be more like me, they clearly can't handle it.

Why you should never work with amateurs

So this might make me sound all selfish and full of myself but somebody needs to speak up about this nightmare of working with those who are just not qualified to do the job and haven't got a clue about being professional.

See this dog that the model is holding? Well, that was meant to be me in that place but the photographer kept insisting that the dog should be the center of attention, not me. I later heard that the dog has some useful contacts (I think his second cousin Cecil was a stunt dog on one of the Hollywood movies or something, can't remember which one now) so he got him this gig as a favor.

As you can see from this photo he was getting all big headed and kept calling me a loser.

Well that was a big mistake. The dog could not wait until the photo shoot was over and before you know it he was doing something unmentionable next to this lamp post.

After the incident the model refused to hold the dog again or stand next to the puddle that the dog had made, and who can blame her?

Once the dog realized that none of his photos would end up in the magazine he kept barking questions about who turn the water tap on and kept the water running during this photo shoot. But I had no idea what that's got to do with any of this so I refused to answer any questions. What a loser.

Preparing for a fashion photo-shoot

Getting ready for a fashion photo-shoot can sometimes be a really stressful time with all those last minute tweaks and changes to make up and outfits they want us to model. But there are times when I just refuse to be rushed. It's important to remember to just step back from it all every now and then and just enjoy small pleasures in life.

On being unprofessional

We were shooting this photo last year and this model kept tripping over me, she just couldn't handle these high heels and kept saying that the reason she was wobbling around and couldn't pose in an attractive way was because of me!

"What's the cat doing in this photo!?" she kept screaming in a hysterical, but now when I think about it absolutely ridiculous and unprofessional way.

I told her maybe she should be wearing some comfy slippers instead. And that's when they made me wear this color-matching collar. I hate those collars. I hate the way I just gave in and let them put one on me. I look like a dork.

I'm never going to work with this model again. Ever.

What went wrong with my photo shoot for Elle front page

This is me, on the right, on the cover of Elle magazine. Yeah, I know, I've got my back turned to the camera, but I did it out of protest against the girl next to me who insisted on wearing a black dress for this shoot. And black is my color, damn it, she doesn't even look good in it. Unlike me, I look cool in black.

What you can't tell from this photo is that 2 minutes before this photo was taken she was crying like a baby because I told her that her face looks fat in this dress.

I heard through my contacts that she didn't eat anything but salad for 2 weeks after that. Serves her right.