Who does he think he is?

Well, it looks like I can't turn my back for 3 months a minute without some disaster taking place in my absence.

Because I've been busy making loads of money selflessly helping people with their problems I was unable to attend any fashion events this summer.

When I returned to Paris last weekend to do a photo shoot for Vogue I was shocked to see that the editor chose this ridiculously unfashionable bunny for the main shoot. To make things worse, this bunny kept telling me how busy he was this summer and how the fashion world can't get enough of him. I kept pretending that I was busy snoozing so he would stop annoying me with his stories of fame and glory but he wouldn't shut up about it!

So I took the ultimate revenge - I un-followed him on Twitter.

I've heard from my fashion friends that he's now so upset about losing a follower like me on Twitter that he's taken some time out to do some therapy - run around on grassy fields and overeat on some carrots just to recover from this huge blow. 

In addition to offering my selfless advice service I'm thinking about offering to follow people on Twitter for a small fee of million dollars as well. Let me know if you're interested, you know it will change your life forever.

It's not easy being amazing

I've not been around much lately but don't blame me for it, I was busy working really hard on my new fashion photo-shoots I've barely had any time to myself so why should I make time for you?

To be honest, I'm a little annoyed and disappointed with how ungrateful some people have been for all the hard work I've put into this blog or whatever it is that they call this thing here. Instead of receiving lots of lovely gifts from you I've received this letter instead and it made me so annoyed I just had to publish it and respond to it here:

Dear SFD cat,

The other day I was arguing with my best friend who said that you're not a proper fashion model and don't deserve all the money and fame that you have. 

She said that you don't really do any work at all (apparently cats are allergic to 'work' and at the mere mention of this word they tend to fall fast asleep, is that true?)  and that you mainly just snooze a lot, eat a lot of cream pies and even when you do your photo-shoots you generally just sit there, doing nothing at all, looking completely disinterested and in a bad mood.

As you are my fashion idol I felt really upset about her comments and told her that you are my hero and that one day I want to be just like you - famous, glamorous and going to all the best parties with famous people. She then laughed at me and told me I'm just wasting my time and that I should just look for a decent, sensible job instead.

I'm really hurt by her comments and feel that she just doesn't understand me and, even worse, that she doesn't appreciate you and adore you the way you deserve.

What should I do?

Your biggest fan,

Beryl

*********************************************

Dear Beryl,

your friend is just jealous, ditch her immediately. Then go and get yourself a nice cat and observe her closely and model your behaviour on her. Pay particular attention to the way that the cat will ignore you extensively most of the time because it doesn't need anything from you and then become all cute and lovely and friendly when it wants something from you. This is a critical skill you must learn in order to be successful so pay close attention. 

Also observe very closely how persistent your cat will be when it wants something (your cream cake you're about to start eating, for example) and how it won't leave you alone until you give in. 

Another useful skill you should learn from your cat is how to revenge yourself when you don't get what you want. For example, you should start practising immediately how to scratch furniture and/or curtains, but preferably practice this at someone else's house to appreciate the full effect this approach has.

Alternatively, get your self one of those so-called sensible jobs then bore everyone at the office with your stories about how life's unfair.

Hope that helps.

*************************************************************

Do you have any dilemmas you would like me to help you with? Feel free to send me your problems you would like me to resolve with a cheque for million dollars and I'll be happy to help and change your life forever.

Quick post, I'm very, very busy tonight

I can't believe you internet people couldn't keep a secret about my invitation from Brad Pitt to be his special guest at tonight's Oscars Party. All of my modelling friends have been pleading with me to take them with me and all the major newspapers and TV stations just wouldn't leave me alone!

Photographers have been constantly trying to get a photo of me and one of them even broke into my apartment the other day when I was trying to get some much-needed snoozing on my favourite cushion at home.

I don't even want to talk about the midnight phone-calls I've been getting from Angelina, she just can't accept that Brad would rather take me than her to this event.

Anyway, must dash, I've got to get some grooming done before Brad picks me up in his limo. Maybe I better sharpen my claws too, it might just come in handy if Angelina decides to come along tonight.

And please don't bother coming back here after tonight to find out how my night with Brad went, you'll just have to wait for my auto-biography titled "My brilliant and exciting life" to come out and find out.

Lies and dishonesty

We were getting ready to do this glamorous photo-shoot for Vogue the other day and the model next to me just couldn't stop fidgeting and I could even see that she was starting to sweat! When the photographer asked her to take her hand out of her coat she simply refused and said she was really itchy and needed to keep scratching herself.

As I was starting to get bored with this photo-shoot I thought I would speed things up a little and give her a little scratch with my claws. She then started to scream and as she started flapping her arms around something fell out of her coat onto the floor. I picked it up and realised it was an invitation to this year's Oscar Party sent to me by Brad Pitt!
(Just in case you don't know who Brad Pitt is here's one of the photos I've taken of him when he came around to my house for a game of chess and some pie few days ago):

Who did she think she is? Did she really think that Brad would ever want to take her to Oscar party instead of me? I mean, she's nowhere near as good looking and glamorous as me, what was she thinking? Was she thinking at all!?

Humans will never cease to amaze me with their arrogance.

I deserve better than this

I've been in such a bad mood recently I couldn't even be bothered to pose for the last photo-shoot and all because I'm still fuming about the lack of generosity in response to my emotional appeal. 

The cash gifts that were sent to me hardly amounted to half a million dollars, and  most of the home-baked cream pies that some of my fans sent me were made with this disgusting thing called "low-fat cream" that just wasn't good enough for someone with such a sophisticated taste like I have, so they all ended up on the dinner plate of my owner women I live with who didn't seem to care and eat them all anyway, but then again she's a human so you can't expect anything better, can you? And here's a question for the joker who sent me this self-help book called "How to get in touch with your inner most feelings and learn to love yourself again" - what are you trying to suggest?

I'm too angry and disappointed to write any more on this topic, I'm off to Paris now to do a photo-shoot for Vogue and there better be some decent presents waiting for me when I return.Otherwise I won't tell you any gossip from the party at Kate Moss' house I went to last night. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Why you should never talk about your feelings

The other day my agent suggested that I might be coming across to my readers as too insensitive and selfish.

"You should tell more stories about yourself where you clearly demonstrate that you are sensitive and full of worries, insecurities and fears just like those humans." he said. So I thought I would give it a go as talking about feelings on the internet could potentially make people send me more gifts to make me feel better.

My good friend (famous super-model whose name I would rather keep private for her sake) invited me to come over to her house that same evening to just chill with her, eat some decent food (cream cakes and pies) and talk about our fears and insecurities.

Well, I listened to her go on and on about love or whatever and kept waiting for her to start serving some food, I was starving! But after 5 minutes of listening to her whining about finding true love or something  I was  bored and exhausted and I fell asleep.

I never got any cream cakes. I woke up the next morning feeling hungry and disappointed. I felt like crying. I felt like my life wasn't turning out the way I imagined it would. I felt alone and frightened.

Will you send me some cream cakes to make me feel better? You can see I feel all emotional, can't you?

Well, can't you? Then what are you waiting for? Go and get busy baking cream cakes and send them to me  via first class post. Hurry.

She just couldn't leave me alone

I was chatting to some of my modelling friends few nights ago at a party and one of the models told me who was the joker who sent me a huge box of fresh vegetables with a note "Eat these, they're good for you" as a Christmas present.

When I found out it was her I was absolutely outraged! After everything I've done for her and all the helpful advice I've shared to help her become more glamorous and successful how could she do this to me? To make the insult even worse she told all my modelling friends that she sent me those vegetables to help me lose some weight. As if i need to do that, I am perfect just as I am, what's wrong with this woman?

Anyway, few days ago I've had to do yet another Vogue photo-shoot and she was just hanging around desperate to spend a bit of time with me and ask me for more hints and tips on how to get a gig with Vogue. Deciding not to be angry with her any more and remain helpful like I've always been (I just can't help it) I told her to stop shaving her legs so that she can try to look as hairy as me.

I thought she would have been grateful for this helpful and generous advice but apparently she's now really angry with me because the last photo-shoot she was booked for was cancelled because the photographer was not able to stop staring at her legs for long enough to take a single photo.

Why is she angry with me? What have I done? Actually, I don't care, I'm not going to waste my time on this, I have some snoozing to do.