Never again

I know I haven't been around here much but I've had to kind of lay low for a bit after a complete fiasco with my last fashion photo-shoot that you can see in this photo.

After receiving hardly any Christmas gifts after my appeal and even finding that some joker sent me a huge box of fresh vegetables with a note "Eat these, they're good for you!" I was left disgusted and disappointed.

But then, out of the blue, my agent called me and said that this ridiculously rich lady who owns 3 cats would give me a million dollars if I agreed to do a Vogue cover shot with her cats.

I didn't really want to work with a bunch of amateurs again but I thought I could do with a bit of spare cash, so why not?

Well, the photo-shoot turned into a complete disaster. Two of the cats kept arguing about who gets the best spot on the sofa and the stupid looking orange cat you can see next to me  on the left foolishly colored her fur orange specially for the photo-shoot and felt really stupid when she realized that orange was clashing with the pink dress the model was wearing. 

The model in the pink dress ended up so confused by the whole situation that she forgot to put any shoes on and ended up looking ridiculous as well.

Thankfully I still ended up looking great in this photo so Vogue decided to Photoshop all the other cats and the model from the photo and a photo of just me looking great ended up on the Vogue cover.

The rich lady is still chasing me to get her million dollars back. After what I've had to put up with during this photo-shoot she can absolutely forget it.

Would anyone else be interested in doing a photo-shoot with me? If you have a million dollars to spare do not hesitate to contact my agent. Yeah, you're welcome.

So unfair

I've just got back from another fashion photo-shoot and I'm still in shock. This model I was working with asked me if someone called Santa brought me any brilliant presents for Christmas and I was really confused because I never heard of this Santa before.

She then explained that this Santa person brings presents to everyone who behaves really well all year round so I was even more confused because I am an example of good behaviour! How come he never came to visit me then!? Just read all of my posts here and you'll find nothing but kindness, generosity, hard work and self-sacrifice demonstrated by me. If I don't deserve free presents then I really don't know who this Santa thinks he is?

To show your support for me against this great injustice feel free to send me as many presents as you like: cream, pies, fresh fish (I prefer the more expensive kind, thanks), comfy cushions and blankets to snooze on and a free holiday in Caribbean will all be generously accepted by me.

Please don't send me any cheap stuff or things like books, I really don't have time for that kind of nonsense.

Thanks.

Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas. Or whatever.

It was all her fault

I don't know why I've been paired up with yet another nearly-naked model for the last photo-shot after my traumatic experience from last week, but it seems that they wanted to test my limits again this week.

This model, who was only wearing this silly red underwear, was meant to cuddle me and make me look even cuter than I already am (hard to believe that's possible I guess, but whatever). So we started to pose for our photographer and this model kept holding me tighter and tighter and I just didn't like it so I kept wriggling and fidgeting so she would ease up her tight grip on me.

"But I'm freezing cold, please let me hold you closer to me." she whispered in my ear while shivering with cold.

I wouldn't have any of it of course and I kept fidgeting for the rest of the photo-shoot until they made her put a nice thick cardigan and some wooly socks on and we finally managed to get the photos done that were published in all the major fashion magazines.

She was really upset with me for making her look like an old granny and told me she would never work with me again. As if I care. 

Why you should never eat too much pie

Well, after the last week boring photo-shot my life got a lot more dramatic. I was asked to be the main model for this photo-shoot advertising a perfume and the photographer asked me to pose in a cute way on this piece of yellow silk next to a topless model.

It was time for this model to take her top off and pose in the background but she kept hesitating for ages until I was starting to get really bored and asked her what's her problem, why is she not taking her top off and posing for the shoot.

"I've eaten too much pumpkin pie this Thanksgiving and my tummy is looking huge!" she whispered to me nervously, "I can't go topless looking so fat right next to you looking so gorgeously slim." 

I showed no sympathy to her, after all I didn't get any pie this week so why should I care?

She then grabbed the piece of yellow silk I was posing on and quickly covered herself. I was desperately trying to hold onto it but she just wouldn't let go!

The photograph you can see here ended up in all the major fashion magazines, it was a huge success!

I've also heard rumors that I might be offered a role in the next James Bond film after I showed the world that I can put up such a good fight. Watch this space.

Feeling fed up

This week there's been no exciting photo opportunities for me and all I got was this photo-shoot for "Homes and Gardens" magazine where I had to peep from under the covers and look cute, but I just couldn't be bothered. We were asked to do some photos to promote a new line of bed sheets and to be honest it took a real effort not to just fall asleep from boredom of it all.


I was asked to participate in this photo-shoot after the magazine decided that using my friend Berty for this campaign just wasn't working because he's apparently put on too much weight recently. Here's one of the photos of him they've decided not to use, I guess he does look a lot less glamorous than me:

I don't think he looks fat in this photo at all, I think he just looks bored and desperate to go to a glamorous fashion party to drink champagne and eat cream.

I do miss all the glitter, sexy make up and high heel shoes, cocktail parties to go to after the photo-shoot, the glamor of it all already.

Why Jamie loves me

I often get invited by celebrities to join them on their TV shows to add a bit of glamor and sophistication to their program and to boost their TV ratings or increase their book sales or whatever. Most of the time I turn these celebrities down because to be frank I don't have time to mix with people less famous than me, my life on the catwalk and on fashion shoots is so busy I barely get to snooze for more than 20 hours a day anyway, so I really can't afford to waste any time.

But when Jamie sent me an email the other day asking begging me to be a special guest on his cooking program I could not resist. He wrote that he's lost his inspiration and couldn't think of any amazing recipes to demonstrate on his cooking show so he needed me there to give him inspiration, like I always do.
I gave him one of my old secret recipes - pizza with double cream.

He was really worried about cooking this pizza in front of millions of viewers who were watching his programs that night because he just couldn't see how can a pizza which contains only a pizza base and 4 liters of double cream possibly work.

But of course it worked and when he tasted it for the first time he was speechless, he was so overwhelmed with the amazing taste of my recipe I could see tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes.

After the program was over Jamie and I were just chilling in his dressing room and he told me he'll be forever grateful that I took some time from my busy schedule to come and help him when he needed me most.

For those of you who can't wait for Jamie's new recipe book which will feature this amazing double cream pizza recipe I've decided to generously share it here with you:

Ingrediants:
1 pizza base
4 liters of double cream.

Cooking instructions:
1. Bake pizza base in the oven for about 10 minutes.
2. Take it out of the oven and wait for it to cool down.
3. Pour cream all over it.
4. Eat it.

For those of you who are short of time due to busy life like me, just ignore the pizza base altogether and eat the cream.

Enjoy.

Jealousy

I am so angry I can barely speak but this needs to go on the track record for future generations of cat super-models so that they can learn from my experience.

See the photo above? See me in it? Or see just the part of me with the rest of my body partially obscured by this model?

Well she did that on purpose! She was pretending to be trying to get herself to look sexy and attractive by flicking her hair, but really all she was trying to do is block me out of this photo. And all because she was jealous of me and the fact that I was far better looking than her and a lot more famous than she'll ever be.

In the next photo you can't even see me at all!

That's because after the first photo was taken I was so angry with her that I scratched her on the face and they decided to ban me from taking part in the photo-shoot altogether. I don't feel proud of this act, but I was just so angry with her and that photographer wasn't seeing my side of the story at all. I think that might have something to do with the way the model was posing, I think he was finding it attractive or something.

In the end they've decided not to publish these photos in Vogue at all, apparently they decided that the photos without me in it are just not worth publishing.

Serves her right, she'll know better next time not to mess with me.